Dear John

Excerpted from My Dearest Darling John …The Funny 12 Days of Christmas Letter. Enjoy!

My dearest darling John:

Whoever in the whole world would dream of getting a real partridge in a pear tree? Thank you a hundred times.

My love always, Agnes

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Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtle doves. I’m delighted. They are adorable.

All my love, Agnes

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Dear John:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one? I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. You’ve been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

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Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough.

Affectionately, Agnes

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Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

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Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese lying on my front steps. The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket.

Cordially, Agnes

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John:

What’s with you and those freaking seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. 

Sincerely, Agnes

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OK Buster:

What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? And they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

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Hey Shithead:

Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ, do they play! They’ve never stopped chasing those maids. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours! Agnes

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You rotten prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. 

I’m calling the police on you! Agnes

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Listen, Nerd:

What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. All twenty three of the birds are dead. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

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Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. 

If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole